December

December 20, 2024 ;

Soon to be relaxing...?

Woo, today is my last day of work before my vacation! Not that I'm doing anything or going anywhere, but I'm just really glad to have the time off and to relax and not have to worry about anything. I really want to practice drawing from life more, so hopefully I get a chance to do that? I mean I could just go out and do it myself but... I'm scared lol! I want to wait and do it with my friend, who can also give me art tips and shit because he actually went to art school T_T But yeah, I got some ballpoint pens so I've been practicing drawing with those instead of pencil. And I also subscribed to Loish's patreon and her tutorials have been helping me a lot. I still have more to watch and they are all like an hour long, so yeah. But yeah, I can realy see myself improving with art and it's really cool to see. Though I should probably calm down. I keep feeling like what I'm doing isn't "enough" and I'm not improving fast enough, but I know I'm already improving more than I ever have been before. So yeah! I just need to slow down and keep at it.

I'm still a bit sick but it's not as bad as it was, so that's good? I definitely still have moments where I feel like I've been hit by a truck, but I also have a lot more moments where I feel relatively normal. Though today I'm feeling a bit dizzier than normal, so... that sucks. It actually started yesterday. I wonder if I'm in a symptom dip, or if it's just some residual weird sickness shit? Who knows. Lately I've been really lucky and for the most part I only feel dizzy in shorter bursts, or I feel like it's more controllable? Like when I lay down to go to sleep I sometimes feel dizzy, but I feel like I can almost turn it off or ignore it with enough willpower? But yeah the dizziness right now? Definitely not turn-offable.

Oh yeah, I also got a chance to talk to one of my best friends on the phone this week! It was really nice talking to her and we mostly talked about art and stuff, which is great since it's my current obsession lol. It's always really rejuvinating talking to her and I love hearing about her life and her current interests and stuff. She just gets me in ways that most people don't, and for that I am so so so fucking grateful.

Oh, I did go on a walk yesterday finally! It was really lovely, and it inspired me to finish my audiobook finally. I just got a new one (System Collapse by Martha Wells) so I think that will be my motivation to continue going on daily walks. I did that a lot in spring when I finally decided to give the Emily Wilde series a try, and I fucking loved it, and it made me look forward to my walks every day. I've read a lot less than normal this year (mostly because of the dizziness), but I'm determined to finish r/fantasy bingo. My three hardest squares that I have to fill as of right now are 90s, Orcs/Trolls/Goblins, and Bard. I was trying not to substitute anything but I might end up subbing out the 90s square. Although... now that I'm looking at my books, I forgot about Terry Pratchett lol. I might try one of his, or I might try Dark Lord of Derkholm by Diana Wynne Jones. The orc/troll/goblin square might be annoying... though I do have books to fill that square. It's more like, do I feel like reading them? lol. Tbh that's actually my issue with all the squares lol. I'm such a mood reader that I find it really hard to sit through reading a book if I'm not in the perfect mood for it. TBRs really don't do anything for me because at any given time I don't feel like reading most of the books on there lol. But! Half the fun of book bingo is to think of all the different book possibilities and make lists of potential reads, so.. I guess I just need to add more to the potential reading list of these squares. I do have some options for the Bard square, so hopefully one of them sticks.

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December 17, 2024 ;

Motivated I guess?

I haven't really been around here much lately. Mostly I've been focused either on art or playing Stardew Valley, lol. I've basically turned into a drawing machine and I've been drawing every chance I get. I've been watching a ton of sketchbook videos and art videos too (probably too many tbh) and it's inspired me to draw in my sketchbooks as well as on my ipad. I really want to be able to draw from life and to draw on the go, so being comfortable drawing in a sketchbook is something I want to work toward. I also just think it'll improve my art. Not having an "undo" button, not being able to "move" my art around or use liquify because I realized I drew the proportions wrong... it's going to be good for me to not rely on those things and to just be more deliberate with my mark making. Anyway, I definitely need to like... also just give myself time to draw fun things or I know I'll get burnt out pretty quickly.

In health related news, I ended up feeling better in time to see my family over the weekend. Tbh I think a lot of my sickness was either stress and/or period/PMS induced? Who the fuck knows I guess. I feel like I'm always sick. I might take a walk later because I think I just desperately need fresh air. We supposedly have an atmospheric river right now though so... I guess I'll just wear my raincoat and a hat?? Therapy isn't until 7pm so I have all the time in the world. Honestly it feels way too late for me, considering I'm basically a grandma and like to be in bed by 8:30pm, but whatever. I guess at the moment it's better than stressing out at having it literally as soon as I get off work. I might see if she can just like... keep me in mind for slightly earlier openings? Even 6pm would be a lot better for me than 7pm lol. Or idk. I guess I can just get ready for bed before therapy and then just get into bed right after. Anyway, back to my health! My symptoms have definitely lessened a bit, and I have a lot longer periods of time where I feel fine. But I still have small periods throughout the day where I feel a little sick. Mostly just chest pain (that's normal though I guess...) and a tiny tiny sore throat that comes and goes. And just feeling really tired.

Actually on that note! I bought Pistachio (my cat) an automatic feeder so she won't wake me up in the middle of the night! The only downside is the feeder woke me up last night LOL. It was just the sound of the food hitting the metal bowl that woke me up. So... that sucked lol. Hopefully I get used to it though and sleep through it in the future lol.....

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December 12, 2024 ;

On the brink of sickness

I'm in that awkward "am I getting sick, or....." phase and it's driving me nuts. I've been on the brink of sickness all week? I feel like I have times where I feel completely normal, and then other times where I'm like yep, this is the end. Death is coming for me. It's definitely made worse by anxiety, that's for sure. Seeing my mom over the weekend was incredibly aggravating. Usually she's fine, but it was so overstimulating and both my brother and I started complaining as soon as we closed the car door when he went to take me home. It really fucked me up and I just felt so trapped in my body and feeling like it was getting worse and worse and I had no way to let it out until I was able to get away from her (and this is why when I lived with her, I locked myself in my room all the time lol). I feel like I'm still recovering from her and I've ignored her calls this week (I have texted her though) because the thought of talking to her just spikes my blood pressure way up lol. ANYWAY in terms of sickness, I just feel like I'm about to get a sore throat, and I feel minorly congested randomly. Sometimes I have a headache, sometimes not. And today I woke up with some somewhat annoying pain in my chest. More like... hmm. It feels like it's in the center of me? Like between my chest and upper back, but closer to the upper back??

I had my therapy appointment with my new therapist this week. It went okay! I really like her, though she's very different from my last therapist and that's going to be a really huge adjustment. It definitely felt more collaborative and more like a conversation, which was fun. Though it was our intake appointment, so idk if all appointments will be like that or if it's just going to be the first few. Anyway, the main thing that gives me a lot of anxiety is the fact that her internet connection sucks. I don't know how she advertises that she does in-person and telehealth, when whatever her setup is just sucks? Basically whenever I'm talking and she says anything, I can't hear her at all. Not that she's interrupting me, but just the normal like "oh no" or "that's terrible" kind of phrases you say when someone's telling you shit. I basically just have to read her lips because the audio just COMPLETELY cuts out. It also happens if I've been talking and then she starts talking right after - it takes a couple seconds for her audio to sound normal again. It stresses me the fuck out tbh. Internet stuff just like.... really aggravates me when it goes wrong. I can't stand lag, things being slow, or tech problems like that. I just want to scream. It makes me reconsider seeing her even though I really like her and I think she could really help me. I don't know. I don't know how to bring it up to her. Like "hey your setup sucks can I help you fix it. You'll probably need to spend money though." It also just feels like she's talking to me from a tablet or a phone? Like I can only see her head when we're talking, and she also has a background on zoom so I can't see anything around her. Just her head. And that makes me think she's not on a laptop or anything, otherwise I feel like I'd be able to at least see her shoulders or something??? I can see why she doesn't do EMDR online if her setup is that bad. So... I don't know. I might try to bring it up to her but I guess we'll see how the next few sessions go. I know this is a small thing but you know, anxiety doesn't make sense sometimes.

Other than that... I've just been playing a ton of Stardew and drawing A LOT. I also started watching Arcane last week, so that's been cool (though it's a bit stressful lol). But yeah, I just have this like... really huge desire to draw, and that's been fun. I've already drawn more this month than I did all of last month. Oh, and I FINALLY finished my book! I just need to finish my audiobook and then I shall be free! I don't want them hanging over me for the new year lol. I'm not sure what I'm going to read next though. Nothing feels super appealing and for some reason I thought I had a book I wanted to read, but when I looked through my kindle I couldn't find it (and I couldn't even remember what it was lol). So... yeah. Guess I'm going to go back to scrolling through what I have, opening up random books, and seeing what sticks when I try to read it.

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December 8, 2024 ;

Stardew and whatnot

Well, honestly I haven't been doing much other than playing a fuckton of Stardew Valley. It's been very peaceful and I'm playing with a ton of cheats and that makes it even more peaceful lol. Though I'm coming up on Winter in my game and really not looking forward to it. I really wish there were winter crops. I also play SVE and I'm so fucking annoyed because they added extra items to the bundles. Which in theory is cool, except that there's one I didn't realize was a new item until after spring, and you can only get this item in spring, which means I can't unlock ginger island until spring year 2. So... that really fucking sucks.

I've been doing a ton of art lately. It's hard to fight the feelings of inadequacy but also the feeling of like... not knowing what to draw. And still being too scared to draw something from my imagination or draw something that's more than just like one object or something. Drawing characters from Avatar felt really helpful though? Especially Aang. Lots of simple shapes and stuff and they came out better than any person I've tried to draw before. I just need to keep practicing! And maybe make a list of art prompts or things for me to draw so it's less overwhelming and shitty every time I go to draw something and I feel stuck. As opposed to spending ten thousand years on pinterest lol (though it is fun to save stuff there tbh).

Hmm what else... I guess the only other thing on my mind is my therapy appointment on Tuesday with my new therapist. I really hope that goes okay. I'm sure I'll have more to say when it rolls around. Overall I'm just feeling... very tired and sleepy. I slept like 10 hours last night lol (technically 12 but I guess I spent like 2 of those hours awake according to my fitbit >_>).

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December 5, 2024 ;

Numb & Not Numb

Well, Tuesday was my last appointment with my therapist. I am officially seeing a new therapist next week (also on Tuesdays, lol). I was absolutely devastated when she first told me she wouldn't be taking my insurance anymore, but now that I've had weeks to come to terms with it, I feel somewhat normal. Mostly just a bit numb? And anxious about how therapy will go with my new therapist. I think I might send my old one an email just thanking her more properly. I did during our last session and I definitely cried a bunch, but I didn't feel like I really expressed just how grateful I am to her and how much she's done for me.

In medication news, I'm very glad I advocated for myself about going off of propranolol. My sinus pain has gone away completely, and while I still have very mild congestion, it's my "normal" amount and it doesn't cause me any pain at all most of the time. The numb feeling in my legs has disappeared too! The only shitty thing is I've been getting chest pain a lot more now, but I'm hoping it's just the withdrawal effect. Even if it's not, well... I used to get chest pain all the time so it's not really anything new. And I've had a bunch of tests done and it's never amounted to anything (blood tests, an ECG, and wearing a holter monitorn - all of these came back normal). My dizziness has more or less evened out too so far. Less really intense episodes of dizziness and more shorter and easier to deal with ones.

On that note though, I got back into Stardew Valley. I haven't played since the 1.6 update so it's been fun seeing all the changes! I play with Stardew Valley Expanded as well and it's fun seeing the changes that were added to that as well. And now that I have a more powerful computer, I can easily run my ten million mods without issue. Woo! The only thing that's been rough is the water - seeing the water move definitely triggers my dizziness, so I got really nauseous the first time I played it. BUT! I think it's getting better. Honestly like when I first got really dizzy, drawing on my iPad made me really sick and I had to really limit it. Something about just how the brushes moved on the screen triggered something in me. But I was determined to draw, and so I just did it little by little, and eventually I stopped getting dizzy from it. And I think the same thing is working with Stardew? I'm trying to fish in places where I see less water moving, and just trying to limit my time fishing. Overall I think it's working? The last couple days I've been playing I've been feeling less dizzy. Anyway! It reminds me of what my vestibular rehab therapist said - basically that we're doing "exposure therapy" and getting my brain dizzy a little bit at a time so that eventually it gets used to the motions and stops being annoying (that being said I haven't done any real vestibular rehab exercises in a while because when I tried I think I went too hard and got sick for like 2 days after and have been too scared to try again, so.... lol).

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